Wednesday, January 23
You know, miscarriage really sucks. In so many ways. I can't really even say what I felt or what I'm feeling, because it's pretty much every thing you can possibly feel--all at once. Two pregnancies and two miscarriages in the last six months. We're bummed big time. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to feel excited about being pregnant again. I think I'll only feel fear and trepidation. The first time, we knew from our first doctor's appointment that the pregnancy was missed and we opted for surgery. I slept through it all and when I woke, it was over- then the healing period, then the trying again period. The second time, our doctor was excited saying that things looked good this time. But when I started bleeding on Monday, I knew. I didn't have the luxury of sleeping through it this time. It got worse and worse. We opted not to go to the hospital. I told Andy only to take me if I was losing too much blood or if I passed out. I'm surprised I didn't. I kind of wish I had. Last night I spent three hours on my bathroom floor feeling like someone was taking a razor blade to my abdomen. I never want to experience that ever again, but yet, I'm scared that I will. Ashland came in. She knew something was wrong. She layed down next to me and pushed her body up as close as she could get. She didn't leave that spot the entire night. It's very curious to me how quickly your body can recover from something like that. I feel okay today- physically. We are sad and disappointed, but I'll heal and we'll try again. At first I thought I would want to disappear from Facebook and the blog for awhile, but I'm okay. Disappointed, but okay. Thanks for reading.